I am running errands, driving to REI to return some uncomfortable hiking pants. It is a very average day.
I’m listening to a talk about mindful parenting with Jack Kornfield. He is telling a story of a mother speaking very harshly to her child. The mother in Jack’s story is threatening to “give her son something to cry about, if he doesn’t shut up…Now!”. My eyes fill with tears as I think of that little child and his little blameless soul… Without wanting to, I picture my own children and the last time I scolded them, (my own memory is nothing like the story Jack was telling, but still… we all know sometimes we loose our patience… and I’m sure after we are calm again, we all wish we hadn’t …).
I find myself parked in front of REI fighting back tears and suddenly silently praying…. praying that my children feel loved, helped, connected and respected…. I wish for them to feel this even in the moment that their mama losses her patience over the spilled milk, the grabbing of toys, the refusing to put a sweater on, over whatever…
I take some deep breaths and remind myself of all the moments, in which I just know, they felt celebrated. Then (because I have to, because my heart hurts for the inevitable pain they have and will experience), I remind myself of the theory that when children can experience conflict in a supportive relationship and “recover” from it with the support of a loving adult that this is actually helpful to them.
I remind myself of all the things I/we all know about mindful parenting. And yet my heart still aches for this little boy in Jack’s story and for the moments when my own children seem sadden by their mama’s words or tone. And my heart aches for all the children who need more kindness in their lives. And I recommit to being as kind as I can…
I remember a quote Sylvia Boorstein often shares, “Life is so difficult, how can we be anything but kind”. And I cry in the parking lot for all the times I wasn’t… And I cry a little to for all the time I was. Then I recommit to trying again and again to be kind, to be the kindness I seek.
And there I am, having a moment with my children, my own childhood, the other young one in my life now and those yet to come into it. I’m just off the interstate, in the parking lot of a shopping center having a very intimate experience.
Mindfulness can do that… bring us into contact with what is true and real, regardless of where we are or what we are doing.
You can have this too:
By (1) paying attention to your experience, (2) allowing yourself to feel the way you do and (3) caring about it. You can also have intimacy right off the highway… or wherever you may be.
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Share your story with us in the comment section. And please, join me in this commitment of kindness. And whenever we might forget this commitment, together will all recommit again and again and then, yet again.
Rebekkah LaDyne is based in the San Francisco Bay Area where she teaches Mindfulness, Meditation and Yoga.
She teaches group class, individual sessions and retreats. She has published 2 Instructional Yoga and Mindfulness CDs for home practice. EnjoyMindfulYoga.com
Thanks Rebekkah!
Absolutely! A friend of mine, who also is a family therapist, said once, “It’s all about the repair.” This has become a regular guide for me. Because as you said, we will “loose it” sometimes, say words and have a tone that is not calm or supportive. HOWEVER, I believe that when we repair with honesty and reflection, we really are doing our children (and ourselves) a service.
I heard John Gottman speak years ago and while I can’t quote what he said, this is what I heard; Children need us to be their “emotion coaches”. They are learning about their feelings and about the feelings of others from us. We can talk through and describe, give language (actual names of feelings) and model sensitivity to our feeling/their feelings, during “the repair”.
I am not an expert! Just a mama on the path. Thanks for writing in and “walking” with me.
~R
Your comment on my blog led me here – and with thanks. You pointed me to the next post but it is right that I read this first as I’ve been musing over this topic. I entirely share the sentiment of this and have had similar experiences. And yet I find myself wondering lately about our generation who is so frequently t hinking, “What will this mean to my kids later? Has this tone of voice or that outburst or that lack of patience scarred them?” I hear friends saying things like this all of the time. What resonates to me most in what you say is not so much “don’t do this” – because we all do this, right? it’s part of parenting – but how to help kids “experience conflict in a supportive relationship and ‘recover’ from it with the support of a loving adult.” And if I think of every time I HAVE done t his relatively successfully for and with my kids – as opposed to how many times that did not happen for me when I was a child – then I shed tears of joy at a sense of spiritual evolution. Thank you for this mindful piece.
I’ve enjoyed:
Time out for parents – Cheri Huber
Momma Zen – Karen Miller
and of course Dharmaseed.org has many talks! and almost all of them can be applied to our lives as parents and simply as people living in the world.
Glad you enjoyed the Spirit Rock Family Day. Come say hello individually at the next one you attend. as it is such a large crowd I don’t always get to make individual contact, but I always want to 🙂 .
Yes Mae, so true that knowing only violence as a tool is such a heartbreaking phenomenon. That is one of the things I love about Mindfulness practice. We all have this opportunity to see what is floating at the bottom of our own “lake”, the “broken bottles and rusty cans” as Pema Chodron says. And of course we all have garbage in our “lake”. I’m so glad that Mindfulness teaches us how to both see it and to be with compassionately, so that slowly over time, it can transform into something.
All the best to you and your little ones!
Rebecca,
I am always looking for Mindful Parenting talks/books. Might you have recommendations? I’ve got the Kabat-Zinn’s book ‘Everyday Blessings’.
Gratefully,
Julia
PS I was one of the parents at SRMC family day a couple of weeks ago.. Thank you, it was delightful!
Beautiful and well said! I can relate to the story because like you, whenever I hear such sad stories, I do feel for the child in the story. Like you, I feel for my children for whenever they hear such hard words or can feel frustration from Mama or Papa. My heart aches. But when I look even deeper, I feel also sadness for the parent who knows only violence as a tool and doesn’t know what to do and for the child within them that is truly lost. Kindness, compassion, and interbeing. ♥
Thank you Joy. I look forward to reading you post!
We need all the help we can get right!
Here is to 1,000 posts on kindness!
Warmly,
R
Always a good reminder…
My blog post on this topic:
http://theparentingmyth.blogspot.com/2011/09/gavin.html